OH FOR THE LOVE OF....!!!!!

I keep biting my lip in the SAME DAMN SPOT!!! Owwwwwwwwwwwwwww!! Anyone want a lip exchange?!???

It must be that third arm...it puts people off

This must be the only logical conclusion as to why I can't get a job

Spongebob Sweatpants

Since moving, I haven't really kept up with the stories of my new adventures. So here's one for you...I shall group this into the job-seeker category as far as my stories go.

A few weeks ago I went on a job interview for a small videography business. Now being from NY I naturally assume that most places of business are actually owned and operated IN AN OFFICE. So when I get called for an "interview" I assume naturally that I will be going TO AN OFFICE. When I drive 30 minutes out of my way and by all maps come to the location of what is supposed to be AN OFFICE, and find it to be NOT AN OFFICE...it makes me a little suspicious. There is a mini-van out front, its on a main road, and the sign of the business is out front "Meet Your Creepy Video Editor". Or at least thats how it should have read. My insatiable curiosity got the better of me and I got out of my car and waltzed up to the door and knocked. I waited. I rang the door bell. A few seconds later the door creaked open. **Rreeeeeee** And there he was. An old man, graying hair, short and kind of stubby...almost like Santa Claus if Santa Claus were evicted from the North Pole and currently #57 on the unemployment line. The best part about it was that he was wearing sweatpants...but not just any sweatpants, they were like capri sweatpants. He was also sporting some little black leather slippers with white sweat socks. His shirt was a polo-tee with his "business" name on it...unfortunately for me, the polo was unbuttoned one too many buttons and a little tuft of hair stuck out (gag). The only thing that could have made that better was...oh yes...a gold chain cross. Bingo! He was short and boxy, and so therefore (in my head) earned the nickname Spongebob Sweatpants.
Inside his home was a fireplace, a 3 foot statue of "Mother Mary", and I believe I detected a slight hint of moth balls...kasha...and/or bengay. But who knows.
The interview went well, except he told me that he has no use for anyone else in his business which begs the question of WHYYYYY am I here!!? I started to wonder if this was a regular scam this guy had running. And the night before I had just seen this episode of Law & Order SVU where this old man kidnapped young girls (one of which he kept hidden away in a remote cabin deep in the woods!)...when the cops finally got to her she comes out all tattered and socially awkward saying "where is he??? what have you done to him?? (meaning the old man) I've been waiting here for tweeennnnty fiiiiive yearrrrrs!!" All I could picture during this fake interview was that girl in the cabin and the psychotic man who kept her there all those years, and I wondered if I were going to be the next storyline for SVU.
Next week on SVU....
-"Hey I have an interview!!"
- "That's great good luck!!"
**girl driving in car listening to 'i believe i can fly', pulls up to residential house looking puzzled**
*Knock knock*
*Rrreeeeeee*
-"Hello, welcome to my house of HORRRRORRRR!!!"
- AIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
*Hitchcock music plays*
- "You have to find my SISTER! WHERE IS SHE!! BRING HER BACK!!"
- "Yeah this is detective Benson...put out an APB on a 'Spongebob Sweatpants'... yeah you heard me right"
- "POLICE!!! GET DOWN ON THE GROUND!! HANDS BEHIND YOUR BACK!!"
*dramatic music plays*
- "I've been here for niiiiiinety eiiiight yearrrsss, thannk goodness you've finallllly cooome"
- "Spongebob Sweatpants, you are hereby sentenced for life enprisonment for the terrorizing of potential employees in your home through use of bad fashion, creepy eye winks, & indecent exposure of chestal hair. *Gavel bangs* Dismissed."

The end.

An exciting career change awaits you!!!

The world of data entry! The only job that you don't have to use your brain!! Sit for hours trying to decipher handwriting for client data entry!! You TOO can get carpal tunnels!!! Wanting to move from one crappy job to the next, well then THIS IS THE PLACE FOR YOU!! Sign up now if your claw cramped carpal hand can bear to write your name down!!

Back in the Saddle Again

Before you start congratulating me on being back in the saddle, or back on the saddle, or whatever it is you want to call it in bloggerdom, let me just say this...much has happened since we last convened here on theboesblogspot...I just want you to know...those rumors about me being incarcerated were grossly exaggerated!! I merely ELUDED authorities for awhile...I've got a nice tan from being south of the border and the locals here are treating me well. Anyway thats enough about my being a fugitive, on to better things...such as David Sedaris's writing.
If you haven't had a chance to read any of David Sedaris's work, I highly suggest you do. His writing is frank, cynical, and endearingly hilarious. Santaland Diaries from Holidays On Ice was particularly amusing to me. Perhaps I can relate to his plight of taking on a minimum wage job during the holiday season...or perhaps I just found it damn funny. Here's an excerpt I'd like to share... (btw, the job he took was that of Santa's Elf....one of many....for Macy's in NYC.)

This afternoon I worked as an Exit Elf, telling people in a loud voice, "THIS WAY OUT OF SANTALAND." A woman was standing at one of the cash registers paying for her idea of a picture, while her son lay beneath her kicking and heaving, having a tantrum.
The woman said, "Riley, if you don't start behaving yourself, Santa's not going to bring you any of those toys you asked for."
The child said, "He is too going to bring me toys, liar, he already told me."
The woman grabbed my arm and said, "You there, Elf, tell Riley here that if he doesn't start behaving immediately, then Santa's going to chance his mind and bring him coal for Christmas."
I said that Santa no longer traffics in coal. Insead, if you're bad he comes to your house and steals things. I told Riley that if he didn't behave himself, Santa was going to take away his TV and all his electrical appliances and leave him in the dark. "All your appliances, including the refrigerator. Your food is going to spoil and smell bad. It's going to be so cold and dark where you are. Man, Riley, are you ever going to suffer. You're going to wish you never heard the name Santa."
The woman got a worried look on her face and said, "All right, that's enough."
I said, "He's going to take your car and your furniture and all the towels and blankets and leave you with nothing."
The mother said, "No, that's enough, really."

Brilliant. I love the thought of an Elf merrily telling you that Santa will pillage and plunder your home, stealing appliances.

Here's another excerpt from his Elf training @ Macy's...

Interpreters for the deaf came and taught us to sign, "MERRY CHRISTMAS! I AM SANTA'S HELPER." They told us to speak as we sign and to use bold, clear voices and bright facial expressions. They taught us to say "YOU ARE A VERY PRETTY BOY/GIRL! I LOVE YOU! DO YOU WANT A SURPRISE?"
My sister Amy lives above a deaf girl and has learned quite a bit of sign language. She taught some to me and so now I am able to say, "SANTA HAS A TUMOR IN HIS HEAD THE SIZE OF AN OLIVE. MAYBE IT WILL GO AWAY TOMORROW BUT I DON'T THINK SO."

Does this make me a complete wretch to find this funny? Apparently not, because David Sedaris has sold millions of copies of his works and has made the New York Times Bestseller list time and again. I'm not the only one who finds this sense of wry humor amusing to say the least. Perfect little stocking stuffer for the holidays!

Today's AOL Headline:

Accident on Tom Cruise Set Hurts 11
Did Anyone Famous Fall Out of Truck?


HOW RIDICULOUS IS THIS HEADLINE!? What if they weren't famous!? Susie the intern fell out of the truck and almost died probably but what do people care about reading...."TOM CRUISE WAS NOWHERE NEAR THE SITE SO WE DONT CARE WHO FELL OUT AND BROKE THEIR FACE!"

I'm severely disgusted by this.

This pretty much sums it up

"Ms. Theodora Winkler" (no relation to Henry)

Every morning at the Greenlawn stop this woman boards the train. She has light blonde hair and a droopy face. Her demeanor is always the same, and she appears to be caught in the half-life state (neither truly aware that she is living, yet not dead). I call her Ms. Theodora Winkler though her real name is unknown to me. On more than one occasion I have had the incredible luck of Ms. Winkler sitting next to me. The snapshot you see above is one I took from my phone...with tremendous skill & stealth I might add. She never knew. In order to preserve her privacy (to an extent) I have doctored the photo...you may use your imagination at your own discretion.
Ms. Winkler has a routine she follows every day. She boards the train. Finds a seat next to an unassuming, kind, and typically beautiful individual. From the looks of her you would think she rolled right out of bed, but I can easily see her wandering her home at 4am, looking for the cat to sit next to. I fear a cat may be her only company.
After she settles into her seat, she pulls out her makeup bag and mirror. Though I never notice a difference before & after. Nevertheless she applies the amount she deems necessary. Her movements are very slow & steady though she is not elderly. Perhaps a woman in her 50's and early 60's. I often wonder where she works and how she joined the ranks of the commuters. I have never heard her utter a word. She has never smiled. As far as I have observed, Ms. Winkler has never acknowledged the existence of another human being, though she is aware of them as one would be of inanimate objects to avoid.
After her makeup is applied, she pulls out a napkin, a muffin, and her travel coffee mug. She places the napkin on her lap, the muffin goes on the left leg, the mug on the right. Ms. Winkler always sits in her seat as though she has a large hump on her back; she lurches over the muffin. Slowly she takes one bite and places it down. Then she brings the coffee mug up to her mouth with both hands in the same manner a church patron would bring the cup of wine to their mouth at communion. She sips and places it back down. Then another bite of the muffin. Then the coffee. This proceeds until she finishes the muffin. She takes the napkin with the crumbs and crumples it into her bag. She never sips enough of the coffee (or the gin...I never actually smelled the coffee) to finish it.
After this ritual is complete she pulls out her makeup bag & mirror again to reapply where necessary. Then she puts it all away, loses the mental hump on her back, leans back into the seat and closes her eyes. She never looks relaxed. She waits until the last minute to get up for the transfer at Jamaica. And then she disappears into the crowd. Ms. Theodora Winkler.

The Mystery of the Centuries: Rain

This morning I boarded the train. As always. The weather was looking rather repulsive. As we continued on our way it began to rain, then to pour. I glanced over at a passing train and there was a damn near waterfall pouring off the top of the car. Already I know in my head...there will be commuting problems today.
The train comes in to Penn Station, I disembark for the subway...the 1 train. I get up to the platform...I assume it was the platform, I couldn't really see past the hordes and hordes of people lining it. Usually its empty. There must be a problem. More and more people come up to the 1 platform...there is not even a path to move. Luckily for me I am at the end of the platform where I can easily mosey down the stairs and pop up elsewhere, such as the 2 or the 3 line. I wait for about 10 minutes. Four 3 trains go by. Three 2 trains (express) go by. No 1 train. I figure at this point even if the 1 train eventually shows up (i honest to God think they only have two number 1 trains in operation in all of NYC, and at the slightest drop of condensation they both break down), I'll never get on board and I'll be a squished banana in there.
I decide to take my chances...with a few other people...and take the next 2 or 3 train uptown... I know it doesn't stop at 50th street (my stop) but I figure at least I can take it to 42nd. I take the 2 to 42nd street. There's a whole platform of people waiting there for the 1 train as well and they look like they've been waiting just as long. I decide to find the C & E lines, even though its 8th avenue & 50th...its better than the prospect of getting squished, stuck, groped and/or molested on a crowded and very unhappy 1 train. The E is crowded. 50th street. Oh look...its raining...no...wait...its not raining, its pouring...and an old homeless man was snoring. Oh goody. My umbrella is at the office. I have a sweatshirt that I can place over my head. There was a man selling umbrellas at the edge of the subway entrance...but he undoubtedly was charging some obscene amount. I walked it w/no umbrella. Toward the end of my journey it started to rain harder, and there were large puddles...thankfully I had enough sense to wear sneakers today. I'm soaked. Everyone is crashing into me with their umbrellas (please people, use some umbrella etiquette!)...it was good times. Its still raining, and all I want to do is sleep :)
The disaster of the 1 train and the non-stop rain I know will give me commuting troubles later. Which brings me to question....why, why after all these centuries of rain do these transportation people act like they are never prepared for it. You would THINK that after all this time, they might devise some form of a strategy wherein a tiny drop of rain doesn't send the whole system into massive chaos and self-destruction. ITS RAIN PEOPLE! ITS BEEN AROUND SINCE NOAH! GET A GRIP! Let it not phase the medium of transportation!

Addendum...

Client A:
Rude & readily willing to blame you for their own mishaps & misfortunes even though you are completely innocent in the situation.

Its really a toss-up between the two now.

My solution:
Curl up in the corner and shrivel away so they can't find you and live out your days as a dust mite

Clients A and B

We have 2 kinds of clients at our workplace...

Client A:
Organized
Detailed
Readily available for questions
They expect nothing less than the best
They appreciate it when we go out of our way for them
Never are they unclear with their orders
They know how to write up a work order & email it properly
They communicate w/each other on jobs they send over
They have a brain and know that if they send us 5 Beta SP's (an hour long each) at 12noon, there is no way in hell they can have their dubs by 2pm.


Client B:
Sloppy
I can never get ahold of them
They never communicate w/each other and oftentimes will send duplicate Purchase Order numbers which confuses our billing department and screws up processing
We contact them for pickup and their packages sit here for days though they say "sending a messenger now!"
If I have a question I best keep it to myself because they are no help at all
I think they have 9 year olds running their company
They send us 5 BetaSp's (an hour long each) at 12noon and are perplexed when we dont' have them by 2pm.
They send us over purchase orders that include the barcodes of the tapes they are sending over...the barcodes never match which means we don't run them w/out checking, but then they say "run whatever you have" signifying they don't give a damn about their job and it makes me wonder how such incompetent twits can even have a job like this...no organization. no adherence to the structure. nothing.


"Get me ouuuuuuuuuuuuut of thiiiiis!!"

Happy man buys a browning banana...

This morning on my walk back from 30 Rock I stopped (as always) at this little fruit/smoothie stand to get my Sun Shake smoothie (this time w/added soy protein...sounds fancy right?). This tall man who was probably about 30, dark long hair (yes I said long), neatly trimmed facial hair, in a black suit, with rather longish fingernails (I could only assume he was in some sort of good ol' rock n' roll tribute band...perhaps tributing Van Halen)...what else could explain the fingernails (he had to play guitar), and the long hair and the big goofy smile on his face. Who knows, maybe it WAS Van Halen...



Ok so maybe it was his SON then.
He came waltzing right up to the stand and with a big cheery grin he says to the stand owners, "HI! HOW ARE YOU TODAY! THATS GREAT!" He then proceeds to walk around the side of the stand to grab an orange. I continue to wait for my smoothie. Then he waltzes merrily back to the front and surveys the 35 cent a piece bananas...he reaches over and grabs this brown spotty banana...it was on the brink of death. If bananas had life spans correlatable to Human History I would surmise that it had survived Germany's invasion of Poland, the atomic fallout from Hiroshima, and Saigon...and lets not forget Bill Clinton's presidency. That little banana had stories to tell. Maybe that's why he bought it. Maybe that's why he had such a large smile on his face. Or maybe he just really loved bananas and oranges. I may never know, but regardless, it gave me a story to tell.

I don't want to know why that seat is wet...don't tell me

The other day my coworker told me how he and his buddy (went out and got piss drunk) and took the subway back to Brooklyn (or thereabouts) at about 3am. While on board (its a 40 minute ride) they suddenly became aware of a bodily requirement (a.k.a. they had to take leak...). So they proceeded to leak in the corner of the subway car...watching it roll down the aisle under the seats as the train came to a stop. Of course no one was in that car so they felt at liberty to dispense of all that Captain Morgan coursing through their system. At the stop they ran out and got into another subway car...because who would want to be in a car full of piss. Remember that next time you ride a subway folks...perhaps you'll be less likely to wear sandals, or perhaps you'll recognize what that liquidous substance is rolling about the floor of your subway car.

iPhone mania

What do you get when you mix BOREDOM-a brand new iPhone-a hammer-a nail-stupid friends-and $600 dollars to blow just like that..? These fools. If they were SO CURIOUS as to what made the iPhone tick, wouldn't they have not DESTROYED THE DELICATE COMPONENTS INCLUDED INSIDE!!? They're like "yup! look at that bob! ITS PLASTIC!! THE DANG THING RUNS ON PLASTIC!! THEM APPLE PEOPLES IS AMAZIN!!!!!" They ripped that lining off like they were Charlie Bucket looking for the golden ticket!! GEEZ! SIMMA DOWN!!!

You're Gonna Make It After All!

So I just bought Season 1 of the Mary Tyler Moore Show. I used to watch it all the time on Nick @ Nite when I was younger. I used to think it was funny and cute, but obviously I couldn't really relate. UNTIL NOW! Single girl (ok so I'm not 30 yet but still!), in a big city, a job working primarily surrounded by men, trying to find a date, a real stellar stand up guy! Twirling in the middle of a crowded street and tossing my blue knit cap up into the air! Ok, so I do that every OTHER day!
Its hilarious though, Rhoda cracks me up. In last night's episode I watched (well I watched more than 1...I got greedy), Rhoda and Mary sign up for this divorced people's club, called the "Better Luck Next Time Club"...of course neither of them are divorced, they only join because the club gets these amazing charter flights to France! Mary ends up becoming Vice President Elect of the club and her conscience takes over and she admits to the whole scam, and everyone else in the club stands up and admits they are all single too...prompting one guy to say "Anyone want to start a new club??" What's funny though is that I could totally picture myself doing something like that!!!! 5 years from now I'm going to be 30 and pretending to be a divorcee just to get a charter flight to France and conning Miss V into joining it with me wherein she will become Vice President and admit to the farce. ;-)
Its really interesting though, I haven't watched these shows since I was probably 14, well over 10 years ago. When you start relating to a 30 year old single career woman, and laughing over the thought of joining a divorcee club to meet men & get discounted airfare, you know you're getting old!

Antithesis

There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man's fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call "The Twilight Zone"

I love this show. It's very twisted and bizarre...like me I suppose! Hahahaha...ahhhbut seriously folks. I'd like to pause a moment and expand on this notion of entering into another "zone" another "dimension" another state and realm of "existence"...let me translate it into something else... say for example when someone does something or says something to you which you find particularly unsavory or unwarranted...that person has now crossed over mentally in your mind into another ZONE. You can call it whatever zone you like...the twilight...the criminally insane zone...the "dont ever look at me again or i'll hurl a sharp pointy object clear into your face" zone. I'd like to refer to one however that seems to be a recurring Zone...at least for me anyway. The Anti-Man Zone. And by this I do not mean I am against men (I love them, they are adorable and rugged and wonderful!)...what I mean by the Anti-Man...oh forget it, here I'll just give you an example:

Sally & Jon are out on a date. Sally has known Jon for awhile, they've been to various Church functions wherein they chatted and all was great, so she agrees to go when he asks her on a date. Jon is a nice guy. The following conversation ensues:

Sally - Gee Jon, this sure is swell.

Jon - Aw golly Sally, do ya really think so?

Sally - Yes, thank you for a real swell evening.

Jon - Say Sally, lets ditch these burgers and go make out in the backseat of my Hudson.

Sally - Your HUDSON!? Makeout!? This is our first date!

Jon - Well I thought we were just getting along so well that...you know, I really like you!

Sally - Jon I think you need to go home to your prayer closet and ask Jesus for forgiveness for such smutty thoughts!

In one sentence Jon has suddenly gone from being THE MAN to the ANTI-MAN. He has turned out to be the complete opposite of everything Sally would want in a man.

Granted, the above demonstration is completely fictional and probably from a 1950's Instructional Video for Young Christian Teenagers...but it gives a semi-demonstration of what I'm talking about. Jon was a little too trigger happy, and Sally was a little too uptight. They were young and immature.

Its an unfortunate thing when a man crosses into the Anti-Man zone...it could happen, but it doesnt mean that man isn't meant for someone else so there's no reason to feel extreme guilt when one of them crosses over. It simply means "hmm he's not really what I'm looking for, especially after I caught him picking his nose like that in public." It can also be reversed... the guy could suddenly place a girl in the ANTI-WOMAN zone. I'm sure I've gotten myself there on a few occasions ;-)

Here's some tips though to not enter into the ANTI-Zone

Don't:

Be insincere.

Propose on the first date.

Curse like a sailor.

Offer to go makeout in the backseat of a Hudson.

Be immature.

Drink excessively.

Take your date out and then "oops I forgot my wallet at home"

Try to be anyone other than yourself.

Worry, this girl is not your last chance on earth, its okay to let her gooooo if she's not showing interest.

Be too forward.

Do:

Be yourself.

Make her laugh.

Try to be her friend. Girls like that.

Its not even so much a DO or DONT thing...its just a compatibility thing. The right clicks have to be there on both sides. Pretending won't make them magically appear. Deep down everyone knows the kind of person they want to ultimately be with, and its just an inner quality thing. You can slip up and say stupid things and it won't be detrimental to the relationship if there is that underlying "I think this person is someone I could be best friends with and love forever." If its not there then its okay, because chances are that person is meant for someone else. People worry too much. Those are my thoughts for today.

The resemblence is uncanny!

This morning on the train there was a whiny girl (who said she was in college, so she was probably about 19 or 20) and this clip of Chunk is pretty much what I had to hear the entire ride into the city today.

Employers & You

Yup, this is pretty much how I feel at work.

Walking In NYC (props to Miss V for finding this article!)

Everybody walks in New York, that’s how we go just about everywhere our trains, cabs, or…limos won’t go. Where, for instance, in Los Angeles or Atlanta you might think a trip to the corner store should be made in your car, in New York that’s a walk, pal—maybe because it would be too hard to find another parking space, but more likely because you have no car.Here our bodies are our vehicles. A satchel serves the duty of a trunk; our shoes must be replaced (or resoled) every 2,000 miles. We use ‘pedestrian’ to describe the latest Von Trier film, never ourselves. There are drivers, sure, but the sidewalks belong to us, and their regulations and protocol are unspoken but understood by its rulers: the walkers.

The Basics

Walkers in New York often follow the same rules drivers do everywhere else—except in those special areas that simply don’t apply to cars, save, perhaps, in Lethal Weapon movies.On

Sidewalks: Here, oddly enough, the only rule is to move quickly and accurately. Always watch where you’re going. Ferret out a path, and take it. Be predictable, you’re not running interference for the Jets: No serpentining, no running, and no getting too close to your fellow walkers. Jostling another walker is like touching another car with your bumper: It isn’t done, and certainly not on purpose, and if it happens, must immediately follow with an honest apology. Likewise, a true, full-on ‘wreck’ may require an exchange of insurance information.Jaywalking: Knowing that half the ‘Press for Walk Signal’ buttons in New York don’t work, an integral part of foot transportation in New York is knowing how to properly cross a street, light or no light.

A few basic rules: Look both ways—even if you’re crossing a one-way street. You’ve had your own share of wild cab experiences, so you should know that anything goes for drivers—and an errant cabbie could flatten the unawares jaywalker.Move quickly. There’s no reason to dally in the middle of the street. No skateboarding trick that begs to be performed, no moonwalking maneuver that must be seen to be believed. Get out of the street, and fast. Use the median to your advantage on heavy-trafficked, two-way, multiple-lane streets (e.g., Delancey, Houston). If Frogger had a median available, we might have made it to level two. Which we never did.

Don’t forget: Cars will kill you. The streets are their territory; everywhere else is yours. Be careful, defer to the cars, that you might live to walk another day.

On Escalator Lanes: As on the great superhighways that stretch across this land, so too on the escalator: If you’re not really moving, stick to the right. The walker who stops dead in her tracks on the left, riding the escalator at her leisure, inconveniences and annoys her fellow walkers. Stand on the right, walk on the left, and make everybody happy.

On Subway Stairs: Mass makes the rules. A rush-hour train’s worth of stair-hogging passengers has more to do with who’s going where than whatever resolve you think you have. Squeezing yourself down the narrow side of an oncoming wave of walkers is pointless, dangerous, and exactly like driving the wrong way down a city street that’s switched direction, without warning. So: Be sensible, wait at the top the stairs. Yes, even if it’s raining.

Wide Load

As a walker in New York there will be times your load is extra heavy, be it with an umbrella in the rainy months or an area rug in summer. Other walkers must account for these instances, and accommodate accordingly.

Umbrellas: When it’s raining, everybody opens their umbrellas at full-staff. And, unfortunately, often at the same height. You absolutely must avoid side-swiping another walker’s umbrella—an irritable, thoughtless act that always results in one or both of you spritzed by pooled-umbrella rain. Instead, move to the side or bob your umbrella up (or down) to make room for the trajectory of their approaching umbrella. If you both bob up or both bob down and still collide—have faith it was only a crime of good manners and, more meaningfully, a sign of hope for the world.

Shoppers: See the shape of a weary soul at 59th and Lexington, ambling ever…so…slowly inside an opaque bubble of little, medium, and big brown bags? Cut a wide berth and don’t curse their slowness. They can barely move and are in such agony and arm-pain they can’t even hail a cab. You too will appreciate a little grace when you’ve got 30-pound Citarella bags in each arm and you’ve…never…walked…so…slow.

Baby Strollers: Eating for two, sleeping for two, or walking for two, give those with rolling babies a break. That is, unless they’re in the habit of retooling their child’s stroller to fit their own purposes. Those who use the stroller to wedge apart subway doors or as a makeshift cattle guard for pushing the sidewalk clear are putting their children in danger and, as such, are psychopathic and should be feared. Those who are using the stroller for those very same reasons—yet have no child in the stroller or in the visible vicinity—may be working an interesting angle, but you should still avoid them.

Self-Expression

As we putter the city streets, we will almost certainly run into those who would inspire sidewalk rage. They’ve stolen our path from right in front of us, and knocked us silly with their backpacks as they passed. Giving the finger from the sidewalk, however, isn’t nearly as effective or safe as it is from within the steel carriage of a car. Here are two simple and popular ways you can let ‘em have it, without getting it right back in your face.

The Evil Eye: You’ve been waiting 45 minutes for the subway train to show up. One finally arrives, bursting at the gills with passengers, and, as the passengers pour out and dive in, one passenger insists on standing right inside the doorway, preventing you from getting on the train and letting the doors shut in your face.

Don’t: React with profane gestures! After all, the doors could open again and that guy could turn out to be a kickboxer.

Instead: Don’t look at the passenger, but glare off into the distance, and hard. Arch both eyebrows slightly. Think about feral cats and bags full of their crap set ablaze on the passenger’s front step. Leave it at that. Wait for the next train, and don’t boil over.

The Shy Bird: You step inside the deli for your morning coffee, when all of a sudden: Zip! Another pedestrian slips into the door you’ve held open—for yourself. You’ve been snaked, and you’re too groggy to say so. But you want your bile to be felt anyway.

Don’t: Say, ‘Hey, fuck you buddy.’

Instead: Pretend you’re scratching a spot by your eye—but do it with your middle finger, slightly extended beyond the other digits. You’ll release the anger, gain the satisfaction of having flipped off your fellow walker, and taken care of an itch, whether fake or not.

Awwgh! bloody hell!

TMZ has learned that Paris Hilton has not only had her sentence cut short, she is already out of jail! Unimpeachable sources tell TMZ the deal was sealed yesterday, and that Hilton made her exit early early this morning. She was originally sentenced to 45 days in jail, but that was reduced to 23. She served a total of five days -- the normal stay for a violation of this kind.

UPDATE 10:16 -- LA County Sheriff's spokesman Steve Whitmore says that Paris Hilton has been fitted for an ankle bracelet and put under house arrest for the next 40 days, after authorities determined to release Paris from prison due to medical reasons. She got out of jail just after midnight. Whitmore says he cannot release details about Paris' "medical issue" due to confidentiality, but said that medical officials "constantly examined" her while she was in jail. Paris will be under house confinement in her West Hollywood home for 40 days. After the 40 days are up, Whitmore says she will have "fulfilled her debt to society."

what a crock. yeah her medical reason is that her brain cells are slowly seeping out of her eardrums.... they have to sit nearby and collect them in a little jar to insert back in later. Pahhhhhhhhh....celebrity justice sickens me.

Oh.dear.God.

I grabbed this off another website. I don't know whether to laugh or be completely horrified!!

In the spirit of Lindsay Lohan Week here on the blog, let us take a closer look at the Dina Lohans of the world, the madmen and women who actually created these party monsters: Hollywood Parents. Luckily, E!’s new show Sunset Tan has given us a PERFECT specimen in this must-see video segment, which is just about the most horrifying and depressing indicment of our culture as I’ve ever seen. In fact, there is so much just completely wrong with this clip that we’ve included video footnotes that correspond to our “help us understand this” list below. Someday, historians are going to look back at this clip and regard it as the definitive explanation of the downfall of Western Civilization.



1. Um, does she attend The Little Hollywood Stripper Prepatory Academy?

2. Is a coat of fresh orange paint really how you want your daughter to “stand out”?

3. Dude, just so you know, you earn your living by tricking small children into making themselves look ridiculous for profit. Classy!

4. “Oooooh?” Lady, the answer you’re looking for is “Nooooo”.

5. Oh. My. God.

6. While he’s absolutely right about this being LA, that only makes this whole thing that much more depressing.

7. Despite all the poverty and starvation in the world, that woman actually just paid $1300 to help her school-aged daughter look like a random Hollywood crackwhore.

8. Scratch that, FORCED her school-aged daughter to look like a random Hollywood crackwhore.

9. Is it even possible for television or irony to get any better than this?

10. Well dear, you LOOK like an Oompa Loompa with a sunburn.

This Is Why You Never Mess With A PMS'ing woman...

AN OPEN LETTER TO MR. JAMES THATCHER,
BRAND MANAGER,
PROCTER & GAMBLE.
February 6, 2007

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard CoreT or Dri-WeaveT absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."

Are you f*****g kidding me?
What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness-actual smiling, laughing happiness-is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending crap. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

Wednesday's Words

Courtesy of Urbandictionary.com

1) FCC
A group of people whose chief job is to make entertainment much less entertaining.

example: The show was so much more fun until the FCC started censoring it -- it used to have lots of sex and nudity, but now it's about a bunch of happy bunnies hopping around and singing!

2) MTV
A facist organization that contributes to the brainwashing of american youth - forcing the following:
1. Fashion (bad fashion)
2. Sex
3. Eating disorders
4. Bad Music
5. Censorshipe

MTV is the devil in disguise. Boycott at all costs.

Example: While in the public restroom, i heard 14 year old girls talking about the latest video on MTV and how it inspired them to throw up today's lunch.

3) Human
sentient bipedal humanoid, descended of primordial primates.Varying in class and type - no two humans are alike. To avoid confusion simply ask "Are you a human?". Any kind of response other than to look strangely at you before running away will denote Human.

Example:
Q: "Are you a human?"
A: "Are you crazy?"
Result: Human

4) smifed

When a girl you like tells you that she likes someone substantially uglier than yourself.

Example:
Ann (Hot): I think I like you!!!
George (Ugly): Yeah I think I like you, but I thought some hot guy liked you.
Ann (Hot): Yeah, but I choose you!

Later that day...

Neil: I think I got smifed..

5) Duckbutt
A condition where your ass only makes quacking noises when you fart.

Example: **QUACCCK!* Oops, sorry. I got a bad case of the duckbutt.

6) 'nanner
"'nanner" is a slang for banana.

Example: Can you go to the shop and get me some 'nanners?

7) Coca Cola
Battery acid in a bottle.

Example: "Damn this shit burns when it goes down!"

Check yourself before you wreck yourself!

For some reason I find this hilarious

OK WHO TOOK IT!????

The coveted key...the bathroom key. I am the ONLY GIRL IN THIS OFFICE!! The boys are always losing their bathroom key...they take it on little trips home with them to show it the sights and smells of the great outdoors....however, I see their bathroom key perched exactly where it should be...but the girls bathroom key...MY KEY...is nowhere to be found!!! Instead I walk into a pile of crap everywhere, loads of ginger ale bottles and cups everywhere...which means some party must have gone down, there are DVD's everywhere, papers, the water in the dehydrator thing is overflowing onto wires, the top of one of the machines is off, the garbage is overflowing, and the computer speakers aren't working! And on top of all of this... THE BATHROOM KEY IS GONE!! I just know some little blondie who was partying in here last night and probably frequenting the bathroom from all the empty ginger ale bottles (where's the vodka bottle...thats what i want to know!) probably took it, and left it in there. HOW AM I GONNA GET IN THERE?! Looks like I'm gonna have to kick down the door....or i suppose stalk any woman who looks like they might be on their way to the bathroom. "PLEASE! PLEASE LET ME IN!!"

Random Acts of Kindness

Ha ha Starbux

Never In My Life...

Will I ever be able to understand the person on the other end of a Chinese Take Out phoneline.

Please I Beg of You!

IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS SACRED AND HOLY STOP STEPPING ON THE BACK OF MY FLIP FLOPS!!

The weather is warming up, we're all adjusting our wardrobes, making changes in our footwear, I personally have pulled out my trusty flip flops for the warmer climate....so here's a few simple GUIDELINES for the LOOOOSERS who can't seem to control their conception of personal space in the subways, on the trains, and other crowded places I must traverse every day.

1. When walking behind someone and you are close enough to smell the shampoo they used that morning, chances are YOU ARE TOO CLOSE...BACK OFF!

2. Everyone's in a rush, we all know we have places to be...it would more than likely be more beneficial to you if you didn't act like a rogue elephant when the subway doors open...MIND THE GAP!

3. I know its crowded, there's a lot of people in this city, there are 400+ subway stations and they are all jam packed. However, as crowded as it may be there is still such a thing as personal space. For instance, when we're walking out of the subway and up the stairs to the streets, it may not be necessary to re-enact the Israeli exodus out of Egypt... You're not Moses, your PDA or Crackberry is not a wooden stick, you are not going to magically PART THE CROWD! WAIT YOUR TURN!

4. I know I may smell good, I know I may warrant you wanting to get as close to me as possible, but I swear to god the next time anyone elbows me or bumps into my bag which holds my wallet and a book and is very tiny and not sticking out in anyone's way... or "casually" brushes into my backside....so help you!!!!

5. I KNOW YOURE NOT BLIND, you have two eyes, two feet, and a brain, for the love of MARY, LOOK WHERE YOU ARE WALKING! LOOK WHERE YOUR FEET GO! STOP STEPPING ON THE BACK OF MY FREAKIN FLIP FLOPS!!! YOU CAN WALK THREE FEET BEHIND ME AND STILL NOT BE LATE FOR WORK!

Haha WHEW! Glad I got THAT off my chest!

How apt...

The leading ladies of dish -- Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears and Hilton -- were spotted hitting the town late in 2006. The New York Post dubbed it the "Bimbo Summit."

You've got to be kidding me...

Apparently Paris Hilton is trying to appeal her prison sentence of 45 days....how is she going about doing it??? Wellllllllllll she's made up a nice little petition for Gov. Schwarzenegger (phffff) and has posted it on her MYSPACE page telling everyone to sign it.....I can't stop laughing, and I want to start a petition of my own that she GO to jail! Do not pass GO do not collect 100 dollars! IN THE CLINKER BIMB!!

Take a Look at the Petition Available Through Hilton's MySpace Page (to make this more exciting to read I'm going to add my own little comments denoted by parentheses and **).

To: The Honorable Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger (**I really loved you in Kindergarten Cop!!**)

Paris Whitney Hilton is an American celebrity and socialite. She is an heiress to a share of the Hilton Hotel fortune, as well as to the real estate fortune of her father Richard Hilton (**she also holds an IQ of negative 47, and her face closely resembles that of an ostrich**). She provides hope for young people all over the U.S. and the world (**hope that they too can get busted on a DUI and get out of jail by making bogus petitions on their myspace pages!!**) . She provides beauty (**though we're not sure what kind**) and excitement (**excitement!?!?!?!**) to (most of) our otherwise mundane lives (**way to go Hilton, rip on all your fans calling them mundane and BORING, yeah they'll really want to sign it now**). Hilton is notable for her leading roles on the FOX reality series The Simple Life and in the remake of the Vincent Price horror classic "House of Wax" (**her acting sucked as usual**). In addition to her work as an actress, she has achieved some recognition as a model, celebrity spokesperson, singer, and writer (**why, we'll never know**). As most of America now knows, Ms. Hilton was just charged in a Los Angeles court with DUI and sentenced to 45 days in Century Regional Detention Facility in California beginning on or before June 5, 2007. We, the American public who support Paris (**and all nitwit bimbos across America!!**), are shocked, dismayed and appalled by how Paris has been the person to be used as an example that Drunk Driving is wrong (**instead we feel she should be the person to show the disgusting abuse of celebrity power in America!**) . We do not support drunk driving or DUI charges (**but we support drunken Heirress's who prey on the malleable brains of enamored pubescents!!**) . Paris should have been sober (**she should have gone to college, she should have gotten a real job, she never should have put that sweater vest on her dog and made him write that book**). But she shouldn't go to jail, either (**she should be publicly flogged instead**). As depicted on Friday night's episode "Nancy Grace" on Headline News (May 4, 2007), countless celebrities have been "slapped on the wrist" (**then slapped on the tooshie**) for similar incidents recently. Nick Nolte, Mel Gibson, Tracy Morgan, Wynonna Judd, to name a few (**people whose careers are washed up**), were arrested and never did a day in jail after their initial arrests for drunk driving /DUI /DWI charges (**despite the fact that they were all in violation of their face**). Rappers Busta Rhymes and Eve still walk free after both being arrested for the same charges as Ms. Hilton just this past week (**showing us all how RIDICULOUS the public justice system really is!**). Brandy's California Highway accident, although no proof of DUI was evidenced in her accident, resulting in the death of a young wife and mother in California, yet Brandy walks free as of today, never doing any time and A WOMAN HAS BEEN KILLED most likely due to her reckless driving! (**oh no she di'n't jus say that...giiiirrrllll Brandy gonna come ova and open uppa som WHOOP ASS on yo cracka bird face!!**) Yet, Paris Hilton did not hurt, injure, or kill anyone or anything (**though plenty of people would like to do all of that to her**), and yet she must do jail time. This petition is to ask Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to pardon Paris Hilton for her mistake (**and for being in violation of her face**) Please allow her to her return to her career (**of sitting around and making stupid faces at cameras**) and life (**the simple one**). Everyone makes mistakes. She didn't hurt or kill anyone, and she has learned her lesson (**and she is also crapping her pants over the fact that some butch woman in cell 59 might make her her prison bitch**). She is sincere, apologetic, and full of regret for her actions as she explained tearfully (**using special eye drops**) to the Judge handling her case in court yesterday.She is distraught and understandably afraid. WE NEED YOUR SUPPORT (**and your inability to think for yourselves and realize people need to pay for PUBLIC OFFENSES**) to save our Paris from ending up at the Century Regional Detention Facility! (**and having to go a 45 days without her Evian bottle!!**) Please sign to tell The Honorable Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger of the State of California, to think about the welfare of this young woman who has made a mortal error and deserves a second chance like so many others in our great nation (**like mass murderers, serial killers, terrorists, and the uni-bomber!**) have been served with after a mistake they have made. If the late Former President Gerald Ford could find it in his heart to pardon the late Former President Richard Nixon after his mistake(s) (**and this case having absolutely no conceivable parallel with Ms. Hilton's**), we undeniably support Paris Hilton being pardoned for her honest mistake as well, and we hope and expect The Governor will understand and grant this unusual but important request in good faith to Ms. Paris Whitney Hilton. (**We'd like to end this petition by quoting some lyrics from Ms. Hilton's musical debut album...

Since I'm already screwed

Here's a message to you

My heart's wide open

I'm just not getting through to the lover in you

Yet I'm still hoping

That tonight, tonight, you're gonna turn down the lights

And give me a little more room just to prove it to you

What do I gotta do?

Jealousy, jealousy, jealousy It's such a thing to watch someone Jealousy, jealousy, jealousy Nobody wins when you're full of envyLa, la, la, la, la, laLa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la**)

FUEGO! FUEGO!

As you can tell from my expressions, I've had about enough of my smoke detector going off when there is in fact... NO SMOKE...and NO FIRE! I've had many run-ins with Mr. Detector in the past...please refer to Incident #1. I'm not a gourmet chef...I'm not burning up meals in the kitchen...in fact I rarely use my oven due to the fact that the top wire heating thingamajiggy is busted, making anything you cook in there burnt on the bottom and barely cooked on the top. If I DO cook something in there its little snacks...like pizza rolls...or broiled hamsters...you know, just the typical snacks. ANYWAY before I go on to mention anything else let me just tell you the brilliant design of my apartment...the one and only smoke detector is located about 2 feet from my stove, and is approximately on a diagonal 5 foot line from the top of the oven to the ceiling. This is very inconvenient, especially due to the fact that the detector is so FREAKIN SENSITIVE to any form of heat/steam/slight shift in air current/you name it. In order to remove anything from the stove (if I should dare to use it), I have to open and close the oven door pulling out whatever is in there in about half a second otherwise the thing goes off...I manage to put a little extra time into that half a second by taking my other hand and waving paper/oven mitts/books vigorously at the ceiling to FOOL the detector. This of course rarely works and I usually end up burning my arm or setting off the alarm because its too much for one person to handle. The neighbors must think I'm constantly setting off fires in my apartment because it goes off so often.

Now...I know what you're saying to yourself...Sarah...why in god's name don't you just TAKE OUT THE BATTERY in the smoke detector...DUHHHH! Well my dear friends, that would be because the damned thing is HARD WIRED...no battery! No way to shut the thing off!! ITS TORTURE!! WHAT GENIUS THOUGHT THIS UP!? Hello...they couldn't have put it maybe in the BEDROOM!? Or at least in a location that isn't directly above a STOVE that gives off HEAT!?

So now get this...just when I think I've figured out the trick to handling this smoke detector...I decide yesterday to pull out this air-popcorn popper thing that I bought a long time ago but never actually used. Its small....its hot air...nothing too dangerous, it barely gives off any visible signs of trouble. My popcorn starts popping...*pop*popopop*...and then *EEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!* That would be shrill scream of the smoke detector. I'm like WTF!?!?! THERES NO SMOKE! THERES BARELY ANY HOT AIR!!! IM BARELY MAKING ANY POPCORN WHY ARE YOU BEING SO DIFFICULT!!!? *EEEEeeeEEEEEEeeeEEEEE* One of these days i'm going to take a metal bat to that damned thing to shut it up for good. I'd snip a wire or something but I don't think I want to electrocute myself, and what happens if there really IS a fire!? I'm a prisoner in my own home!! All I have to do is breath hot air at it and it goes off. Hellllp meeeeeee

Run for your lives!! RUN!!

Is it a bird?? No. Is it a PLANE?!? No. WELL WHAT THE HELL IS IT!? Its King Kong held up inside the body of a pudgy neon pink shirted "yes we can see your rolls" crazy woman on the beach!!! This picture describes yesterday's scene at the beach very accurately...see the little people on the tree clinging to life...picture those people as little children....roughly between the ages of 6 and 13. They're on an expedition, to collect and gather rocks, shells, anything of interest they can possibly find on the beach! Its a gorgeous day, they are having fun, and traipsing around together. Suddenly off in the distance...almost inaudible...came a shout. The kids turned around... one said "I think someone's calling us"...but being kids they totally kept walking and exploring as any young blooded child will do when placed in the great outdoors! The voice started to get closer....finally Miss V. (whom accompanied me to the beach!) and I could hear it was a woman's voice, or a bear's...one or the other. We look over to see some crazy neon form approaching...the kids finally realize this beast is calling them. "GETTT OVVAAAAA HEEEEEEEEAAAAAAEEE!!! NOWWWW!!!ROWWWRRRR!" Miss V. and I know this woman is none too happy having walked after these kids for a few hundred yards, its probably the most exercise she's seen in years. With little regret or qualms the youngest goes running back toward the woman first. This woman yells "EMILY YOUR MOTHA'S GONNA KICK YER ASSSSSSS!!" The other kids quickly obey and run over. But since the youngest...about 6...little blonde hair skinny thing... got there first she reaped the wrath...this crazy lady SLAPS this tiny girl clear across the face. I didn't see it but Miss V. did and quickly relayed the horrific event. The little girl just held her face. We weren't even sure if that was HER child! The Neon Wonder continued to berate and curse out all of the kids "you're F*ing stupid!! #$%$@ WHAT THE F*** do you think you're DOING!..."...she wanted to slap one of the little boys too but he knew better and resisted going closer. I WISH TO HEAVEN we'd have said something. It was all just too shocking to see such a grotesque scene being played out. All we could do was stare in disbelief that such a revolting human being could even exist. WHO slaps a small child clear across the face, and curses every last one of them out when they're barely even teenagers!? Especially those who aren't even your own! They all finally wandered back to the other side of the beach. Miss V and I packed up to leave...we were secretly hoping to run into Neon out in the parking lot to work her over real good. She wasn't there. Pity. However on the way back to the parking lot we passed two other young boys who were cursing up a storm...they were probably barely 13. What has happened to today's youth? Everywhere I turned yesterday there were all these fat little kids cursing like sailors....or fat adults cursing like sailors. Show a little respect for yourself.

This reminds me of someone...

laugh with me

The Vote Is In...You Suck...

I wasn't aware this morning when I boarded the 7:18am out of Smithtown that there would be an American Idol hopeful aboard. Let me first give you a little background of my situation and state of mind...
The LIRR was experiencing a systemwide breakdown of all of their ticket machines (terrorists!! it must be the terrorists!!!) since yesterday. I was unable to get a ticket yesterday morning for the 6:39...then last night trying to catch the 5:38 home there was about a 2 hour wait to buy a ticket...every one and their grandmother was waiting for a machine, and the lines wrapped all through the terminal and up the stairs and around the corner. Ridiculous!! So I try to get a ticket last night in Smithtown...no deal, still not working. I'm getting annoyed...I figure, oh they'll fix it this morning...wronnnng. Still not working. Yesterday morning I got away w/having no ticket...on the way home they weren't as forgiving and charged me $15. Flustered and aggravated I boarded the 7:18am once again with no ticket this morning. It was then that I took a seat (unaware) behind this one woman. I barely noticed her. All I could see was that her feet were up on the seat across from her and her shoes look like they belonged to a 5 year old. (Not because of their small size, but because of their ridiculous design that looked like crayons had thrown up all over them).
The train leaves the station...and thats when I hear it...a low hum...is it a tune...is it music... what is it that I hear..??? "unnnnntaaaaCOOOO cinnnnnnqueeeentoooooo!" At first I thought she maybe was talking on her phone. Then I thought maybe she had a child w/her...then I thought maybe I'm losing my mind...until I realized...the woman was singing. On an early morning train!! There are 3 unspoken rules of the LIRR:
1) If you have to use your cell phone...do not use it for longer than a minute, do not: speak loudly; argue; shout; uncover personal life secrets about yourself for everyone to hear; and certainly don't tell yo' momma off over the phone in public.
2) If you are sitting next to someone and two seats near you become empty and readily available, that is your CUE to move swiftly away from the seat you are in. The other person won't take it as an offense if you move, it will give them room and space and they will not secretly curse you for not moving under their breath.
and finally:
3) On peak hour morning trains there is: NO TALKING (whisper!)...and by god there should never under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES BE ANY SINGING OF ANY KIND!!!.
Perhaps it wouldn't have been so bad, if she actually had a mildly adequate singing voice... but no, every note this woman hit was off key and BAD! People around her started fleeing the area it was so bad. One guy got on at Northport sat down across from her...2 minutes later she started singing and the fear that came into that man's eyes....lets just say he'll never be the same again. He got up and ran ...god knows where. It was so bad at one point that I was one note away from dumping my hot coffee over her head. Then two people (two brave souls) boarded the train and sat down across the aisle from her....she was silent for a moment. As soon as the train started she started singing (it was all in Spanish I have no idea what she was singing)... the two people looked over at her incredulously and the one woman burst out laughing quite loudly (That is one rule you can break...if something is really stupid and ridiculous, you can burst out laughing in hopes that the offender will feel embarassed and shutup, however it didnt work with this winner.) I have to admit it was pretty hilarious. No one dared sit next to her, everytime they did she'd burst into a tune "Seeeeeeeeee tuuuuulllaaaaammmoooooooOOOO, ayyyyyyyyy ellllll tieeemmpppppppiiiooooo!!" She hit one note really loudly at one point...it was so loud that I could hear it over my own music. The woman across the aisle looked at me almost as if to say "give me a shotgun...do it...now...ill make it look like a suicide trust meeeeeeee." Thank god the Tuneless Wonder got off halfway through the journey or someone would have shot her for sure. Surprising no one told her to shutup. I was partially aggravated and partially amused, it was better than Cable TV!

Ultrawoman says:

"I'm very bored of Blogger"

Woot woot to Monday!!

NO ITS NOT FRIDAY! Iiiiiiiiiiiiits Monnnndaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyy!!! Mondays get such a bad rap... I mean c'mon, lets give Monday a little break. IT can't help the fact some loser decided to make it the first day of the Work Week. In fact Monday is almost like the martyr of all the weekdays!! You didn't see Friday saying "you know what guys...I know how hard it is to choose to be the ONE day that everyone in the world hates and groans about. So I tell you what, I'm gonna take the bullet here, because I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH!" Heck no!! Friday was like... "pffssshhhh f** you guys IM PARTY DAY!!! EVERYONE LOOOOVES ME!!" So little Monday raised his little hand and said "alright, I'll do it, not because I want to, but because I CAN." So really we have to give Monday its due recognition. Its not just ANY day of the week that can step up an be so strong as to be despised and rejected by nearly everyone on the face of the earth. It takes character. Will. And strong determination to live WEEK by WEEK in such awful conditions. Monday is scorned, mocked, scoffed at, and hated. But WHY! Why must it be! I think Monday should be the new Friday. In fact I'm going to start spreading the word right now... I encourage all of you to follow my example...its Monday...run wild through the hallways of your home, office, building...shouting at the top of your lungs "THANK GOD ITS MONDAY!!!! WOOT WOOT!!! IM SO PYSCHED!!! I LOVE MONDAYS!!!" And if they come to take you away in little white jackets...keep shouting it. Proclaim it to the world!!! MONDAYS RULE!!!


(...what did they put in my coffee this morning???????...)

Slacker!!!

I've become a slacker blog. Firstly because I haven't had much to talk/write about, and secondly because I'm a slacker. So here are a few tidbits that I feel like sharing w/the population today:

1. The public restroom war is still being raged. It seems that a very disgruntled employee or cleaning person has issues w/the toilets...there are 3 stalls...so if I go waltzing in there @ 9am in the morning I will find: a) stall #1 filled with TP, b) stall #2 w/the seat UP and nothing but bright yellow pee, c) stall #3 with TP and/or poop, pee, sprinkle on the seat, etc. DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY IDEAS of a sign I might be able to post in the bathroom?? Let me know.

2. I'm still fighting a cold/allergies/whatever the heck this is. Shoot me.

3. This weather....yesterday its 62 degrees outside. Today? 26 degrees with snow, rain, sleet, and ice. All I have to say to this is...WTF!?!?! Is it any wonder I can't get well!!!!?

4. I'm about to indulge in a grapefruit. (just fyi)

5. I almost had an "incident" at the laundromat the other night. The place is practically empty, except this one lady who kept answering her phone and going "HELLO??! MA!? IS DAT YOU!? I CANT HEA YA!!" (thats a thick NY gutteral accent for those of you who don't know... she sounded like she smoked about 12 cartons of cigarettes a day). Then there's two guys of Hispanic descent in there hovering over the machines and staring at me as I get some change for my dollar. (Hello yes I am a female, thanks for noticing, I know it may have been quite some time since you've seen or interacted with one of my kind so why don't you just take your gaping jaw and shut it before I shove my fabric softener down your throat.) Then we have the woman (i think it was a woman) running the joint. She is about 60+ with dirty looking clothes (which I find quite ironic for someone running a laundromat), short gray hair, and she would walk around with her mouth gaping open as though she didn't realize she had a nose or understand its function (YES you can actually BREATHE out of that shapely protrusion in the middle of your face!!). The two guys leave...after I start my laundry (I guess the show was over!), and I go walk out to my car....I was going to leave but then I had sudden laundry paranoia (aka... "what if a band of renegade naked people come running in while I'm gone and steal every last piece of clothing that I have right out of the machine!!"). I decided to sit in my car and talk on the phone for the 28 minutes it takes to cycle through. As I'm out there talking to my friend I see the gaping mouth old lady (who from here on out will be referred to simply as "Codfish"), come walking around to the front of the building. Codfish then stops and stares at the "MA IS DAT YOU!?" lady, giving her the hairy eyeball for no good reason. Then the Cod (i've shortened her name) notices me sitting outside in my car. (I highly doubt she "noticed" me...it was dark as blazes out and I'm sitting in a dark car, I'm sure all she saw was some slight movement). She peers out of the corner of her eye suspiciously for about 5 minutes. Then she shuffles away. I say to my friend "this codfish just gave me the hairy eyeball, I was just in there a minute ago, what does she think i'm going to run in there and steal my OWN LAUNDRY!?" Then Cod comes shuffling back with a piece of paper in hand and walks out the front door. She heads straight for the payphone, and tries to act nonchalant. I'm laughing to myself and my friend says "maybe she's calling the cops on you". I started to get a little suspicious. Although you would think that if she were calling the cops about someone SUSPICIOUS who is sitting in a parked car in the front of the building, she would go to the BACK OF THE BUILDING and stay inside it rather than go waltzing into the high level danger zone! At any rate I decide to relieve any qualms she may have and I get out of the car and close my door at which point she suddenly DUCKS DOWN and SHRIEKS and pulls out some mace!! (no I'm just kidding....I told you I "ALMOST" had an incident...that could very well have been the case). I walk past her and as I do she says something like... "nevermind" and I walk in to the building. Two seconds later she comes walking back in w/her mouth still gaping open. I think she must have inhaled one too many bottles of bleach...kill those brain cells. Then she goes over and watches some Dateline NBC story ...all I can hear is this girl on the tv saying "and then he touched my private parts"...and I was like GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!!! Always a story at the laundromat. ALWAYS!

I hate winter...

Make it go away. It keeps swiping my immune system out from under me.

A New Holiday!

I'm making today...March 1, 2007 National Boss Lack of Appreciation Day! Here are just a few terms I found on urbandictionary.com to celebrate this momentous occasion:

First lets define a Boss:

"Boss"
Disingenuous form of address used by insolent little twats, which although ostensibly deferential, actually implies that they don't actually have any respect for you at all.

"Alright boss!"
"Thanks boss!"

or when used as a verb

Boss
v. To walk confidently; to strut.

"So I was bossin' down the street..."


I'm sure we've all used this once or twice...

Boss Click
A rapid computer mouse or key click meant to hide a non-work related program or web page.

"Every time I walk by Jenkins' desk, he boss clicks. I think he is viewing the no-no pages!"

Boss hogging
The act of hogging anything as if you were the boss of a company, store, ect.
Also referring to the act of theivery.

"Yo Jeffrey is all like boss hoggin' the remote control!"

and lets not all forget the definition of the:

Employee
A slave with a paycheck.

I am an employee of my boss.

That pretty much sums it up today folks!

Words of the Day:

Todays words brought to you Courtesy of Urbandictionary.com

spnark

The annoying gravity-defying trait of water whilst washing an upturned spoon under running water. Adj: Spnarked Vb: Spnark Bob made a hastily retreat from the kitchen sink in a state of sheer embarassment and fury after the spoon he had been oh so carefully washing 'spnarked' all over the crotch area of his freshly pressed flannel trousers.

filasaphodus

to freak out; to bug out; to express frustration in a ridiculous manner.

If I do (this) you're not going to have a filasaphodus on me are you?

Hot Pocket

/'hat-'pak-et/ noun (origin unkown) 1: a pop tart filled with molten hot death 2: best known cure for constipation and/or tapeworms Sam: eerghh im goanna die! Kelli: why? Sam: I just ate a hot pocket Kelli: You have my condolences, child.

M'kay

When you are trying to illustrate a point and would like to add further emphasis, you add M'Kay.

Drugs are bad, M'kay?

lunatard

You take a little lunatic, and add a little retard. Then you get a LUNATARD.

Tom Cruise has really turned into a lunatard lately.

Crackberry

Slang for a crack-like addiction to one's Blackberry.

Hey you! Get off your Crackberry and focus on the road!

Stalkery

Looking up peoples homes from satelite pictures. Looking at satelite pictures of peoples homes???? That's stalkery!!!

And the winner is...

Welcome to this week's version of "THINGS THAT ANNOY THE HELL OUTTA ME!" For each thing that gets under your skin or grates on your nerves, you have to equally list something to look on the bright side for... I'll start. You can list as many as you want...

Nuisance:
People ramming into you on the subway, train, sidewalk, street corner, cafe, hallway, elevator, etc. etc.

Bright Side:
Running into really GOOD-looking men on purpose and going "ohhh! heh heh, excuuuse me!!! my aren't youuuu strong!! my goodness, it was almost like bumping into a cement WALL!! heh heh!" and when they run away you can yell after them... "DID YOU NOTICE MY HAND! THERE'S NO WEDDING BAND!! IM AVAIILLLLABLEEE!"


Nuisance:
When people pick their teeth, shoving their entire hand into their mouth and then casually place their dirty saliva drenched hand back on the subway handles. Oh delight.

Bright Side:
Their saliva could in fact contain a mutated DNA strand which when touched and assimilated into your own skin could give you superpowers such as: Flying, Turning into a ball of fire, superspeed, invincibility, web-slinging abilities, and the ability to transport oneself long distances in a milisecond of time!


Nuisance:
People who don't take responsibility for their actions and/or their job, work-load etc. etc., they have no work ethic and don't show any initiative or inspiration in their job, they leave you with all the work to do.

Bright Side:
When you become ruler of the world you can crush them like bugs under your icy fist of terror!


Nuisance:
Smelly messengers who pick up and deliver packages to your office.

Bright Side:
There is no bright side. They are walking stink bombs.


And there you have it...there's plenty more where that came from, I just figured I'd get a ball rolling in case anyone feels the need to vent and share their nuisances.

Why thank you...no actually I didn't need my arm you just tore into...its quite alright

Mondays. I hate Mondays.
The only thing Monday has going for itself is new episodes of Prison Break and 24, otherwise I say ta hell with it! Mondays are pretty bleak on their own...however throw in the mix of dirty slush ridden streets, delays for one's commute and, slow-as-hell counter girls taking half an hour to put a napkin in with your tea and muffin...Monday is like a ticking time bomb ready to explode all over you at any given moment. Enter---the happy go lucky subway crowd. The 1 train comes, there's plenty of room for people to move around. We stop at 42nd street. People get on. I'm standing. Someone keeps shoving into me. They don't stop. The 3 feet of personal space rule clearly doesn't apply to them. I know that if I turn around to look at the culprit I might give off the enraged squashed subway victim vibe, so I don't. Someone exhales. Ew. It's called mouthwash and I suggest you use it lady. The pole I'm holding feels oddly slick and oily. Gross. Wipe it down MTA. Give me my Purell sanitizer. 50th Street, finally. The doors open. The trampling herd emerges. I go through the gate. A large yellow puffy blur is headed straight at me. It's on a mission. It doesn't care who it tramples. For a moment I think maybe it will be alright, maybe like a normal human being he will think twice about crushing a fellow pedestrian, but I was wrong. *CRUNCH* *BOOM* *trample trample* Thanks buddy. I really appreciate you playing bumper cars with me. That extra 2 seconds you shaved off your quest to the stairs by ramming into me as opposed to slowing your pace will really help you get to work on time. Gotta punch that time card huh. I could think of something I'd like to punch....No "sorry," no "excuse me," just bang boom and you're on your way. I see how it is. Well in case I didn't fully express my gratitude when you nearly killed me let me bestow upon you the prized little birdie, oh look at her flip! And you can have as many refills on that as you like.

This is going to be...

one of those days...

This pretty much explains it...

Rate Your Job 1-10

I've decided to come up with my own set of rules and guidelines to figure out if the company I'm currently employed with is worth the amount of hours that are being shaved off of my life. In the end I will add up my score and see if its worth it after all:

1) "My Employer cares so much about his employees that he is willing to"
a) Give me incentives and bonuses throughout the year
b) Appreciate the hard work, dedication, and oftentimes social sacrifices I make for this company.
c) Supply his employees with water
d) Give us the adequate amount of supplies/stock/organizational tools that are necessary for functionality and streamlining production whenever we ask for them.
e) BAH HAH HAH my employer?? CARE??? Hang on a second I'm laughing too hard...

Answer: E (0 points)

2) My Employer has working full knowledge of:
a) His butt
b) His Yacht
c) His Hummer
d) Every single machine, operational device, job information, client information and all other aspects of what goes on in his company.
e) All of the above except D

Answer: E (0 points)

3) Whenever I go to work I feel:
a) Uplifted
b) Overjoyed
c) Appreciated and well paid
d) A sense of accomplishment
e) Like my impending doom is swiftly drawing nigh

Answer: E (0 points)

4) When I request office supplies after my employer has flipped a wig and verbally berated his staff for not having a better handle on production:
a) My employer is swift to respond and comply
b) He sits down with me to discuss ways to organize, streamline, and improve communication between offices and employees
c) He follows through with his ideas
d) All of the above
e) I get sent a roll of used pens (some with caps missing), 2 plastic paper bins that he has had since 1968 (one of which is broken and cracked in transit and rendered completely useless, making his office manager feel like he doesn't give a flying f*** about his company or his employees)...there is no mention of the filing cart/cabinet requested or anything else. This in turn makes the office manager feel like she needs to jump out the 11th story window.

Answer: take a flippin' guess (0 points)

Total points = "0" (which means your job sucks ass)

I'm so sick of this ridiculous job wherein nothing ever gets done right or properly, how can you expect your business to grow and run when you don't care enough to put thought into the minor details! As long as something is "functioning" its overlooked. The configurations of the machines are all skewed because there is no organization. I cannot fix it as I do not know how to configure the audio wiring. I've mentioned this since I started in here months and months ago and nothing has been done. There are machines in here that need to be fixed, some parts replaced but does any of it EVER get done???? NO!!! So when I get freakin CHEWED OUT when something doesn't go right or a dub has a HIT on it and people are looking to point a finger, well try taking care of your machines so that things can actually run properly. I'm not a magical genie!! I can't flip my wand and do some wizard voodoo and make everything work! Because everyone knows...that whatever can possibly go wrong...always does. It's the voodoo curse of this company. Something always breaks down...nothing ever works like its supposed to...no wonder our clients complain. But if they walked over and actually saw this office...they would be shocked, bewildered, and taken back by what they see...and they would understand why...WHY we suck like we do. Ho hum.

The Woot Woot Philosophy

"Look, I don't want to wax philosophic but I will say that if you're alive, you got to flap your arms and legs, you got to jump around a lot, you got to make a lot of noise, because life is the very opposite of death."
-Mel Brooks

WOOOOOOOOT WOOOOOOOT!

It's the end of the work week...

...and I feel like Jack just pumped 7 cc's of Cyacine Pentathol into my bloodstream.

St. Valentine

I have a few words about Valentine's day...even though it was 2 days ago. The origins of this ridiculous day go back to the Middle Ages....it was named after 2 Christian martyrs both named Valentine. WHERE in the hell did martyrdom suddenly mean buying Chocolates & Flowers??? I've searched it out and I cannot for the life of me find out WHY people do this. Don't get me wrong I'm not anti-flowers or anything but I feel like its kind of ridiculous the way commercialism takes over every meaningful event in history and turns it into some frippy marketing scheme. I love knowing that I'm appreciated and thought of, but it seems to me that I should know that every day and not just have an effort made on Valentine's day. Down with commercialism I say, down with the system, down with.....HEY! WTF, who ate my last piece of candy from my valentine heart!!!!!!!!????

I have measured out my life in coffee spoons...

"And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
Would it have been worth while,
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it toward some overwhelming question,
To say: "I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all"
-excerpt from - The Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock

Lately I find myself asking one question..."is it worth it?" Would I, being faced with my own mortality, be able to say "it was worth every ounce of life I had." Did I dare to breathe, did I dare to dream, did I take every moment and frame them in my head like photographic memories? I've seen a lot of people around me come and go...our lives take on unforseen twists and we are never prepared...it reminds me to appreciate everything I have and everyone in my life. People waste so much time, and I don't want to go through life as though I'm not living it. I want real life and real interactions and I want to encounter life as it comes at me with my head up high. I don't know what's going to happen a year from now, let alone 50 years, or tomorrow even...I can't control that, but I can appreciate the small moments I have with my friends. I can take a smile from a stranger, a hug from my best friend, ridiculous off-key singing at the top of our lungs to each other while driving in a car, and remember them and keep them until I'm too old and they slip slowly from my mind. I want to cherish each moment whether its in laughter or heart-rendering tears, because it reminds me that I'm alive. We all live for those moments, because really its all we have.