Oh.dear.God.

I grabbed this off another website. I don't know whether to laugh or be completely horrified!!

In the spirit of Lindsay Lohan Week here on the blog, let us take a closer look at the Dina Lohans of the world, the madmen and women who actually created these party monsters: Hollywood Parents. Luckily, E!’s new show Sunset Tan has given us a PERFECT specimen in this must-see video segment, which is just about the most horrifying and depressing indicment of our culture as I’ve ever seen. In fact, there is so much just completely wrong with this clip that we’ve included video footnotes that correspond to our “help us understand this” list below. Someday, historians are going to look back at this clip and regard it as the definitive explanation of the downfall of Western Civilization.



1. Um, does she attend The Little Hollywood Stripper Prepatory Academy?

2. Is a coat of fresh orange paint really how you want your daughter to “stand out”?

3. Dude, just so you know, you earn your living by tricking small children into making themselves look ridiculous for profit. Classy!

4. “Oooooh?” Lady, the answer you’re looking for is “Nooooo”.

5. Oh. My. God.

6. While he’s absolutely right about this being LA, that only makes this whole thing that much more depressing.

7. Despite all the poverty and starvation in the world, that woman actually just paid $1300 to help her school-aged daughter look like a random Hollywood crackwhore.

8. Scratch that, FORCED her school-aged daughter to look like a random Hollywood crackwhore.

9. Is it even possible for television or irony to get any better than this?

10. Well dear, you LOOK like an Oompa Loompa with a sunburn.

This Is Why You Never Mess With A PMS'ing woman...

AN OPEN LETTER TO MR. JAMES THATCHER,
BRAND MANAGER,
PROCTER & GAMBLE.
February 6, 2007

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard CoreT or Dri-WeaveT absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."

Are you f*****g kidding me?
What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness-actual smiling, laughing happiness-is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending crap. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

Wednesday's Words

Courtesy of Urbandictionary.com

1) FCC
A group of people whose chief job is to make entertainment much less entertaining.

example: The show was so much more fun until the FCC started censoring it -- it used to have lots of sex and nudity, but now it's about a bunch of happy bunnies hopping around and singing!

2) MTV
A facist organization that contributes to the brainwashing of american youth - forcing the following:
1. Fashion (bad fashion)
2. Sex
3. Eating disorders
4. Bad Music
5. Censorshipe

MTV is the devil in disguise. Boycott at all costs.

Example: While in the public restroom, i heard 14 year old girls talking about the latest video on MTV and how it inspired them to throw up today's lunch.

3) Human
sentient bipedal humanoid, descended of primordial primates.Varying in class and type - no two humans are alike. To avoid confusion simply ask "Are you a human?". Any kind of response other than to look strangely at you before running away will denote Human.

Example:
Q: "Are you a human?"
A: "Are you crazy?"
Result: Human

4) smifed

When a girl you like tells you that she likes someone substantially uglier than yourself.

Example:
Ann (Hot): I think I like you!!!
George (Ugly): Yeah I think I like you, but I thought some hot guy liked you.
Ann (Hot): Yeah, but I choose you!

Later that day...

Neil: I think I got smifed..

5) Duckbutt
A condition where your ass only makes quacking noises when you fart.

Example: **QUACCCK!* Oops, sorry. I got a bad case of the duckbutt.

6) 'nanner
"'nanner" is a slang for banana.

Example: Can you go to the shop and get me some 'nanners?

7) Coca Cola
Battery acid in a bottle.

Example: "Damn this shit burns when it goes down!"

Check yourself before you wreck yourself!

For some reason I find this hilarious

OK WHO TOOK IT!????

The coveted key...the bathroom key. I am the ONLY GIRL IN THIS OFFICE!! The boys are always losing their bathroom key...they take it on little trips home with them to show it the sights and smells of the great outdoors....however, I see their bathroom key perched exactly where it should be...but the girls bathroom key...MY KEY...is nowhere to be found!!! Instead I walk into a pile of crap everywhere, loads of ginger ale bottles and cups everywhere...which means some party must have gone down, there are DVD's everywhere, papers, the water in the dehydrator thing is overflowing onto wires, the top of one of the machines is off, the garbage is overflowing, and the computer speakers aren't working! And on top of all of this... THE BATHROOM KEY IS GONE!! I just know some little blondie who was partying in here last night and probably frequenting the bathroom from all the empty ginger ale bottles (where's the vodka bottle...thats what i want to know!) probably took it, and left it in there. HOW AM I GONNA GET IN THERE?! Looks like I'm gonna have to kick down the door....or i suppose stalk any woman who looks like they might be on their way to the bathroom. "PLEASE! PLEASE LET ME IN!!"

Random Acts of Kindness

Ha ha Starbux

Never In My Life...

Will I ever be able to understand the person on the other end of a Chinese Take Out phoneline.

Please I Beg of You!

IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS SACRED AND HOLY STOP STEPPING ON THE BACK OF MY FLIP FLOPS!!

The weather is warming up, we're all adjusting our wardrobes, making changes in our footwear, I personally have pulled out my trusty flip flops for the warmer climate....so here's a few simple GUIDELINES for the LOOOOSERS who can't seem to control their conception of personal space in the subways, on the trains, and other crowded places I must traverse every day.

1. When walking behind someone and you are close enough to smell the shampoo they used that morning, chances are YOU ARE TOO CLOSE...BACK OFF!

2. Everyone's in a rush, we all know we have places to be...it would more than likely be more beneficial to you if you didn't act like a rogue elephant when the subway doors open...MIND THE GAP!

3. I know its crowded, there's a lot of people in this city, there are 400+ subway stations and they are all jam packed. However, as crowded as it may be there is still such a thing as personal space. For instance, when we're walking out of the subway and up the stairs to the streets, it may not be necessary to re-enact the Israeli exodus out of Egypt... You're not Moses, your PDA or Crackberry is not a wooden stick, you are not going to magically PART THE CROWD! WAIT YOUR TURN!

4. I know I may smell good, I know I may warrant you wanting to get as close to me as possible, but I swear to god the next time anyone elbows me or bumps into my bag which holds my wallet and a book and is very tiny and not sticking out in anyone's way... or "casually" brushes into my backside....so help you!!!!

5. I KNOW YOURE NOT BLIND, you have two eyes, two feet, and a brain, for the love of MARY, LOOK WHERE YOU ARE WALKING! LOOK WHERE YOUR FEET GO! STOP STEPPING ON THE BACK OF MY FREAKIN FLIP FLOPS!!! YOU CAN WALK THREE FEET BEHIND ME AND STILL NOT BE LATE FOR WORK!

Haha WHEW! Glad I got THAT off my chest!

How apt...

The leading ladies of dish -- Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears and Hilton -- were spotted hitting the town late in 2006. The New York Post dubbed it the "Bimbo Summit."

You've got to be kidding me...

Apparently Paris Hilton is trying to appeal her prison sentence of 45 days....how is she going about doing it??? Wellllllllllll she's made up a nice little petition for Gov. Schwarzenegger (phffff) and has posted it on her MYSPACE page telling everyone to sign it.....I can't stop laughing, and I want to start a petition of my own that she GO to jail! Do not pass GO do not collect 100 dollars! IN THE CLINKER BIMB!!

Take a Look at the Petition Available Through Hilton's MySpace Page (to make this more exciting to read I'm going to add my own little comments denoted by parentheses and **).

To: The Honorable Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger (**I really loved you in Kindergarten Cop!!**)

Paris Whitney Hilton is an American celebrity and socialite. She is an heiress to a share of the Hilton Hotel fortune, as well as to the real estate fortune of her father Richard Hilton (**she also holds an IQ of negative 47, and her face closely resembles that of an ostrich**). She provides hope for young people all over the U.S. and the world (**hope that they too can get busted on a DUI and get out of jail by making bogus petitions on their myspace pages!!**) . She provides beauty (**though we're not sure what kind**) and excitement (**excitement!?!?!?!**) to (most of) our otherwise mundane lives (**way to go Hilton, rip on all your fans calling them mundane and BORING, yeah they'll really want to sign it now**). Hilton is notable for her leading roles on the FOX reality series The Simple Life and in the remake of the Vincent Price horror classic "House of Wax" (**her acting sucked as usual**). In addition to her work as an actress, she has achieved some recognition as a model, celebrity spokesperson, singer, and writer (**why, we'll never know**). As most of America now knows, Ms. Hilton was just charged in a Los Angeles court with DUI and sentenced to 45 days in Century Regional Detention Facility in California beginning on or before June 5, 2007. We, the American public who support Paris (**and all nitwit bimbos across America!!**), are shocked, dismayed and appalled by how Paris has been the person to be used as an example that Drunk Driving is wrong (**instead we feel she should be the person to show the disgusting abuse of celebrity power in America!**) . We do not support drunk driving or DUI charges (**but we support drunken Heirress's who prey on the malleable brains of enamored pubescents!!**) . Paris should have been sober (**she should have gone to college, she should have gotten a real job, she never should have put that sweater vest on her dog and made him write that book**). But she shouldn't go to jail, either (**she should be publicly flogged instead**). As depicted on Friday night's episode "Nancy Grace" on Headline News (May 4, 2007), countless celebrities have been "slapped on the wrist" (**then slapped on the tooshie**) for similar incidents recently. Nick Nolte, Mel Gibson, Tracy Morgan, Wynonna Judd, to name a few (**people whose careers are washed up**), were arrested and never did a day in jail after their initial arrests for drunk driving /DUI /DWI charges (**despite the fact that they were all in violation of their face**). Rappers Busta Rhymes and Eve still walk free after both being arrested for the same charges as Ms. Hilton just this past week (**showing us all how RIDICULOUS the public justice system really is!**). Brandy's California Highway accident, although no proof of DUI was evidenced in her accident, resulting in the death of a young wife and mother in California, yet Brandy walks free as of today, never doing any time and A WOMAN HAS BEEN KILLED most likely due to her reckless driving! (**oh no she di'n't jus say that...giiiirrrllll Brandy gonna come ova and open uppa som WHOOP ASS on yo cracka bird face!!**) Yet, Paris Hilton did not hurt, injure, or kill anyone or anything (**though plenty of people would like to do all of that to her**), and yet she must do jail time. This petition is to ask Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to pardon Paris Hilton for her mistake (**and for being in violation of her face**) Please allow her to her return to her career (**of sitting around and making stupid faces at cameras**) and life (**the simple one**). Everyone makes mistakes. She didn't hurt or kill anyone, and she has learned her lesson (**and she is also crapping her pants over the fact that some butch woman in cell 59 might make her her prison bitch**). She is sincere, apologetic, and full of regret for her actions as she explained tearfully (**using special eye drops**) to the Judge handling her case in court yesterday.She is distraught and understandably afraid. WE NEED YOUR SUPPORT (**and your inability to think for yourselves and realize people need to pay for PUBLIC OFFENSES**) to save our Paris from ending up at the Century Regional Detention Facility! (**and having to go a 45 days without her Evian bottle!!**) Please sign to tell The Honorable Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger of the State of California, to think about the welfare of this young woman who has made a mortal error and deserves a second chance like so many others in our great nation (**like mass murderers, serial killers, terrorists, and the uni-bomber!**) have been served with after a mistake they have made. If the late Former President Gerald Ford could find it in his heart to pardon the late Former President Richard Nixon after his mistake(s) (**and this case having absolutely no conceivable parallel with Ms. Hilton's**), we undeniably support Paris Hilton being pardoned for her honest mistake as well, and we hope and expect The Governor will understand and grant this unusual but important request in good faith to Ms. Paris Whitney Hilton. (**We'd like to end this petition by quoting some lyrics from Ms. Hilton's musical debut album...

Since I'm already screwed

Here's a message to you

My heart's wide open

I'm just not getting through to the lover in you

Yet I'm still hoping

That tonight, tonight, you're gonna turn down the lights

And give me a little more room just to prove it to you

What do I gotta do?

Jealousy, jealousy, jealousy It's such a thing to watch someone Jealousy, jealousy, jealousy Nobody wins when you're full of envyLa, la, la, la, la, laLa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la**)

FUEGO! FUEGO!

As you can tell from my expressions, I've had about enough of my smoke detector going off when there is in fact... NO SMOKE...and NO FIRE! I've had many run-ins with Mr. Detector in the past...please refer to Incident #1. I'm not a gourmet chef...I'm not burning up meals in the kitchen...in fact I rarely use my oven due to the fact that the top wire heating thingamajiggy is busted, making anything you cook in there burnt on the bottom and barely cooked on the top. If I DO cook something in there its little snacks...like pizza rolls...or broiled hamsters...you know, just the typical snacks. ANYWAY before I go on to mention anything else let me just tell you the brilliant design of my apartment...the one and only smoke detector is located about 2 feet from my stove, and is approximately on a diagonal 5 foot line from the top of the oven to the ceiling. This is very inconvenient, especially due to the fact that the detector is so FREAKIN SENSITIVE to any form of heat/steam/slight shift in air current/you name it. In order to remove anything from the stove (if I should dare to use it), I have to open and close the oven door pulling out whatever is in there in about half a second otherwise the thing goes off...I manage to put a little extra time into that half a second by taking my other hand and waving paper/oven mitts/books vigorously at the ceiling to FOOL the detector. This of course rarely works and I usually end up burning my arm or setting off the alarm because its too much for one person to handle. The neighbors must think I'm constantly setting off fires in my apartment because it goes off so often.

Now...I know what you're saying to yourself...Sarah...why in god's name don't you just TAKE OUT THE BATTERY in the smoke detector...DUHHHH! Well my dear friends, that would be because the damned thing is HARD WIRED...no battery! No way to shut the thing off!! ITS TORTURE!! WHAT GENIUS THOUGHT THIS UP!? Hello...they couldn't have put it maybe in the BEDROOM!? Or at least in a location that isn't directly above a STOVE that gives off HEAT!?

So now get this...just when I think I've figured out the trick to handling this smoke detector...I decide yesterday to pull out this air-popcorn popper thing that I bought a long time ago but never actually used. Its small....its hot air...nothing too dangerous, it barely gives off any visible signs of trouble. My popcorn starts popping...*pop*popopop*...and then *EEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!* That would be shrill scream of the smoke detector. I'm like WTF!?!?! THERES NO SMOKE! THERES BARELY ANY HOT AIR!!! IM BARELY MAKING ANY POPCORN WHY ARE YOU BEING SO DIFFICULT!!!? *EEEEeeeEEEEEEeeeEEEEE* One of these days i'm going to take a metal bat to that damned thing to shut it up for good. I'd snip a wire or something but I don't think I want to electrocute myself, and what happens if there really IS a fire!? I'm a prisoner in my own home!! All I have to do is breath hot air at it and it goes off. Hellllp meeeeeee