This pretty much sums it up

"Ms. Theodora Winkler" (no relation to Henry)

Every morning at the Greenlawn stop this woman boards the train. She has light blonde hair and a droopy face. Her demeanor is always the same, and she appears to be caught in the half-life state (neither truly aware that she is living, yet not dead). I call her Ms. Theodora Winkler though her real name is unknown to me. On more than one occasion I have had the incredible luck of Ms. Winkler sitting next to me. The snapshot you see above is one I took from my phone...with tremendous skill & stealth I might add. She never knew. In order to preserve her privacy (to an extent) I have doctored the photo...you may use your imagination at your own discretion.
Ms. Winkler has a routine she follows every day. She boards the train. Finds a seat next to an unassuming, kind, and typically beautiful individual. From the looks of her you would think she rolled right out of bed, but I can easily see her wandering her home at 4am, looking for the cat to sit next to. I fear a cat may be her only company.
After she settles into her seat, she pulls out her makeup bag and mirror. Though I never notice a difference before & after. Nevertheless she applies the amount she deems necessary. Her movements are very slow & steady though she is not elderly. Perhaps a woman in her 50's and early 60's. I often wonder where she works and how she joined the ranks of the commuters. I have never heard her utter a word. She has never smiled. As far as I have observed, Ms. Winkler has never acknowledged the existence of another human being, though she is aware of them as one would be of inanimate objects to avoid.
After her makeup is applied, she pulls out a napkin, a muffin, and her travel coffee mug. She places the napkin on her lap, the muffin goes on the left leg, the mug on the right. Ms. Winkler always sits in her seat as though she has a large hump on her back; she lurches over the muffin. Slowly she takes one bite and places it down. Then she brings the coffee mug up to her mouth with both hands in the same manner a church patron would bring the cup of wine to their mouth at communion. She sips and places it back down. Then another bite of the muffin. Then the coffee. This proceeds until she finishes the muffin. She takes the napkin with the crumbs and crumples it into her bag. She never sips enough of the coffee (or the gin...I never actually smelled the coffee) to finish it.
After this ritual is complete she pulls out her makeup bag & mirror again to reapply where necessary. Then she puts it all away, loses the mental hump on her back, leans back into the seat and closes her eyes. She never looks relaxed. She waits until the last minute to get up for the transfer at Jamaica. And then she disappears into the crowd. Ms. Theodora Winkler.

The Mystery of the Centuries: Rain

This morning I boarded the train. As always. The weather was looking rather repulsive. As we continued on our way it began to rain, then to pour. I glanced over at a passing train and there was a damn near waterfall pouring off the top of the car. Already I know in my head...there will be commuting problems today.
The train comes in to Penn Station, I disembark for the subway...the 1 train. I get up to the platform...I assume it was the platform, I couldn't really see past the hordes and hordes of people lining it. Usually its empty. There must be a problem. More and more people come up to the 1 platform...there is not even a path to move. Luckily for me I am at the end of the platform where I can easily mosey down the stairs and pop up elsewhere, such as the 2 or the 3 line. I wait for about 10 minutes. Four 3 trains go by. Three 2 trains (express) go by. No 1 train. I figure at this point even if the 1 train eventually shows up (i honest to God think they only have two number 1 trains in operation in all of NYC, and at the slightest drop of condensation they both break down), I'll never get on board and I'll be a squished banana in there.
I decide to take my chances...with a few other people...and take the next 2 or 3 train uptown... I know it doesn't stop at 50th street (my stop) but I figure at least I can take it to 42nd. I take the 2 to 42nd street. There's a whole platform of people waiting there for the 1 train as well and they look like they've been waiting just as long. I decide to find the C & E lines, even though its 8th avenue & 50th...its better than the prospect of getting squished, stuck, groped and/or molested on a crowded and very unhappy 1 train. The E is crowded. 50th street. Oh look...its raining...no...wait...its not raining, its pouring...and an old homeless man was snoring. Oh goody. My umbrella is at the office. I have a sweatshirt that I can place over my head. There was a man selling umbrellas at the edge of the subway entrance...but he undoubtedly was charging some obscene amount. I walked it w/no umbrella. Toward the end of my journey it started to rain harder, and there were large puddles...thankfully I had enough sense to wear sneakers today. I'm soaked. Everyone is crashing into me with their umbrellas (please people, use some umbrella etiquette!)...it was good times. Its still raining, and all I want to do is sleep :)
The disaster of the 1 train and the non-stop rain I know will give me commuting troubles later. Which brings me to question....why, why after all these centuries of rain do these transportation people act like they are never prepared for it. You would THINK that after all this time, they might devise some form of a strategy wherein a tiny drop of rain doesn't send the whole system into massive chaos and self-destruction. ITS RAIN PEOPLE! ITS BEEN AROUND SINCE NOAH! GET A GRIP! Let it not phase the medium of transportation!

Addendum...

Client A:
Rude & readily willing to blame you for their own mishaps & misfortunes even though you are completely innocent in the situation.

Its really a toss-up between the two now.

My solution:
Curl up in the corner and shrivel away so they can't find you and live out your days as a dust mite

Clients A and B

We have 2 kinds of clients at our workplace...

Client A:
Organized
Detailed
Readily available for questions
They expect nothing less than the best
They appreciate it when we go out of our way for them
Never are they unclear with their orders
They know how to write up a work order & email it properly
They communicate w/each other on jobs they send over
They have a brain and know that if they send us 5 Beta SP's (an hour long each) at 12noon, there is no way in hell they can have their dubs by 2pm.


Client B:
Sloppy
I can never get ahold of them
They never communicate w/each other and oftentimes will send duplicate Purchase Order numbers which confuses our billing department and screws up processing
We contact them for pickup and their packages sit here for days though they say "sending a messenger now!"
If I have a question I best keep it to myself because they are no help at all
I think they have 9 year olds running their company
They send us 5 BetaSp's (an hour long each) at 12noon and are perplexed when we dont' have them by 2pm.
They send us over purchase orders that include the barcodes of the tapes they are sending over...the barcodes never match which means we don't run them w/out checking, but then they say "run whatever you have" signifying they don't give a damn about their job and it makes me wonder how such incompetent twits can even have a job like this...no organization. no adherence to the structure. nothing.


"Get me ouuuuuuuuuuuuut of thiiiiis!!"

Happy man buys a browning banana...

This morning on my walk back from 30 Rock I stopped (as always) at this little fruit/smoothie stand to get my Sun Shake smoothie (this time w/added soy protein...sounds fancy right?). This tall man who was probably about 30, dark long hair (yes I said long), neatly trimmed facial hair, in a black suit, with rather longish fingernails (I could only assume he was in some sort of good ol' rock n' roll tribute band...perhaps tributing Van Halen)...what else could explain the fingernails (he had to play guitar), and the long hair and the big goofy smile on his face. Who knows, maybe it WAS Van Halen...



Ok so maybe it was his SON then.
He came waltzing right up to the stand and with a big cheery grin he says to the stand owners, "HI! HOW ARE YOU TODAY! THATS GREAT!" He then proceeds to walk around the side of the stand to grab an orange. I continue to wait for my smoothie. Then he waltzes merrily back to the front and surveys the 35 cent a piece bananas...he reaches over and grabs this brown spotty banana...it was on the brink of death. If bananas had life spans correlatable to Human History I would surmise that it had survived Germany's invasion of Poland, the atomic fallout from Hiroshima, and Saigon...and lets not forget Bill Clinton's presidency. That little banana had stories to tell. Maybe that's why he bought it. Maybe that's why he had such a large smile on his face. Or maybe he just really loved bananas and oranges. I may never know, but regardless, it gave me a story to tell.

I don't want to know why that seat is wet...don't tell me

The other day my coworker told me how he and his buddy (went out and got piss drunk) and took the subway back to Brooklyn (or thereabouts) at about 3am. While on board (its a 40 minute ride) they suddenly became aware of a bodily requirement (a.k.a. they had to take leak...). So they proceeded to leak in the corner of the subway car...watching it roll down the aisle under the seats as the train came to a stop. Of course no one was in that car so they felt at liberty to dispense of all that Captain Morgan coursing through their system. At the stop they ran out and got into another subway car...because who would want to be in a car full of piss. Remember that next time you ride a subway folks...perhaps you'll be less likely to wear sandals, or perhaps you'll recognize what that liquidous substance is rolling about the floor of your subway car.

iPhone mania

What do you get when you mix BOREDOM-a brand new iPhone-a hammer-a nail-stupid friends-and $600 dollars to blow just like that..? These fools. If they were SO CURIOUS as to what made the iPhone tick, wouldn't they have not DESTROYED THE DELICATE COMPONENTS INCLUDED INSIDE!!? They're like "yup! look at that bob! ITS PLASTIC!! THE DANG THING RUNS ON PLASTIC!! THEM APPLE PEOPLES IS AMAZIN!!!!!" They ripped that lining off like they were Charlie Bucket looking for the golden ticket!! GEEZ! SIMMA DOWN!!!