The klutz formerly known as Sarah...is now:

When disaster strikes Calamity Jane is sure to be there!!!
Let me paint you this scenario...

It's 4am, I can't sleep, my head is congested, my throat is dry, and I can't speak because when I do I sound like: A) a pubescent boy, B) an alien, and/or C) like Scarlett Johansen is secretly possessing my body. So keeping that in mind I figure what the hell, I can sleep during the day if I need, let me get up and take care of myself. I mosey off to the bathroom to turn on a blazing hot shower to make a "steam room" so to speak to enable me to breathe (I don't have a humidifier). I turn on the stove to heat up some tea...I'm a little mad at my stove because earlier when I was heating up some food it in, the oven door started to close as I was reaching in to pull out my food and burned my forearm. Evil stove. Anyway, my tea is heating up, I chug down some Robitussin (mmm)... I wrap myself up in my warm blanket. The tea is done, I go into the "steam room" which is ridiculously steamy at this point...I can't turn on the light because if I do the fan/light will suck up all the steam! Its pitch black in there and suddenly the smoke detector starts going off "EEEEEeeeeee EEEEEEeeeee EEEEEEeeee!!!!!!" It scares the bejeeezus out of me causing me to spaz out and spill my scalding hot tea on my OTHER ARM...(mind you I already have 3rd degree burns from the sarah-eating stove)...I run out of the bathroom, causing steam to spill out all over the place...not helping the smoke detector problem. I grab my oven mitt and start trying to "fan" the smoke detector...its not working...it is SHRILL. I'm picturing my neighbors at 4am going "DONDE ESTA EL FUEGO!!!?! FUEGO FUEGO!! EMERGENCIA!" (Fuego=fire) Either that or they're saying..."¡Idiota! un asno sabe más que usted!" which means "Idiot! A donkey knows more than you!" I can't reach my smoke detector, I don't have a step-stool...so I jump up on my counter which draws my eardrums closer to the "EEEEEEEeeeeeeeEEEEE!!!" I pull the thing off and try desperately to find the battery...I have no FREAKIN CLUE how to get the thing off...it comes detached from the ceiling but doesn't open...I'm clawing at this thing trying to make it stop and finally I just put my finger over the little "detector" portion which muffles the sound... thank God because I was going deaf. And finally, it STOPS! What a mess....I'm burnt...steamed...full of SNOT (thats for you Karen)...deaf, WET from the tea and standing on my countertop with my heart pounding from all this action and drama! I cleaned everything up and dried myself up, treated my burns and bruises, got back in bed at 5am and watched Scrubs for an hour before falling asleep again.